I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
