You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
