Nicole vs. Life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
