why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
