it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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