I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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