Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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