My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
