come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
