ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
