Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
