Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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