It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
