This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
