nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
