found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
