Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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