If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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