I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
