Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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