break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
