he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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