he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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