i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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