Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
