No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
