if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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