I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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