no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
