last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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