Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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