My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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