I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
