I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
