Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Green mimosas i think yes
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
