woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
