I'd wear matching sweaters with you
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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