I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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