Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
