Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
