He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
