My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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