I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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