his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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