I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
