All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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