when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
