You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
