I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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