I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
