Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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