Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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