i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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