I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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