i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
