Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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