I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
