Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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